SEVEN-PART SERIES

Teach Them While They’re Doing Good

Even now, many years later, I can still picture the shell-shocked face of a poor high school sophomore who just couldn’t get it right on the football field one particular night. Even through the oversized, dirt-stained facemask – from seemingly coming up empty on every tackle and sliding headfirst onto the wet field time after time – that face of dejection paired with the face of the enraged head coach still irks me to this day. 

I still think about that young man and wonder – if only that player could have experienced a coach that not only got in his face during the bad times, but also patted him on the back during the good times.  

Needless to say, that player never made it to the next level in his athletic career.  To be fair, it probably had more to do with lack of talent, than the lack of adequate coaching, but it was still a lesson learned in my book – particularly one related to modern-day parenting.  

Coaches make all the difference in football, particularly in the high school ranks.  How some of these top-notch coaches strategically motivate a pool of teenagers year after year is truly a fascinating spectacle.  Through covering high school football not too long ago, I began to realize even more so that this same fascinating spectacle occurred more so behind closed doors during the idle, low-key moments within afterschool practices as opposed to any given game.  

With 70-plus players on some high rosters, teams often split into sections during practice before or after running through their plays for the upcoming game.  Sections are divvied up based on positions for the most part, and each position has its own designated coach.  In my experiences – particularly with the winning football programs – this is where I often witnessed the softer underbelly side of high school football coaches. 

On one occasion during a pretty intense practice, I remember a lightening quick running back making everyone in his path look foolish with dazzling, nearly breathtaking moves.  The defense, apparently fed up with being a step too slow, began inching closer to putting the brakes on the speedy back and eventually had him surrounded near the sidelines on one play.  The back, however, gracefully stepped out of bounds to the disappointment of the defenders still 4, 5 yards away. 

With each position splitting into their respective spot on the field afterwards, I was close enough to the running backs coach to overhear him singing his praises to the talented back.  Then, that same coach discreetly pulled the back to the side and gave him a little more insight into his last run that had him slip out of bounds.  The coach calmly stated, “You found that hole and burst through it perfectly, but you failed to finish it the way you started it.  And, those 4, 5 yards you could have gained could end up costing us a game some day.  Believe me – ‘cause back when I was in school, I actually cost my team the game.  Not a good feeling, and I wouldn’t want that for anyone – especially you.” The coach then gave the back a loving slap on the helmet and sent him back into the huddle. 

A few weeks later during a pivotal region game, in a moment that was only shared by the two of them, that same back – with his team trailing on a critical second-down play late in the fourth quarter – bolted through the trenches and headed toward the sidelines with a trio of defenders closing in quickly.  Surprisingly, all three defenders gave up on the play with the assumption that their target would bow out of bounds.  As the defenders let up, the back not only gained an extra few yards, but he impressively tight roped down the sidelines for an additional 15 or so yards to the delight of his coach and the ruckus crowd, easily putting his team in field goal range with a minute to go in the contest. 

Immediately following the play, the unassuming running backs coach could only lift his fist up and approvingly nod toward his prized player while his back hustled back to the huddle, pounding his chest and pointing right back to his running backs coach.  

I honestly can’t remember whether the kicker came through on the field goal that night – a 30-something yard field goal is far from a given in high school football – but I still remember that moment between coach and player.  Moments like that, although special, need to be experienced by more than just athletes and coaches on a football field. 

Most every parent is aware of the parenting strategy of ‘catch them while they’re doing good’ and ‘positive attention,’ and probably have either heard or experienced the benefits of this approach. 

As kids get older, unfortunately, positive attention gets a little trickier.  Most teenagers get in their head that parents are “supposed to say” encouraging comments or “supposed to say” only good things in light of confusing or difficult circumstances.  

Fortunately, through my experiences as a family therapist, I get the most eye-raising responses from teenagers when they’re listening to their parents talk about an experience that they also went through at their same age.  For instance, while working with family that had a very rocky relationship between a father and his oldest son – to the extent where the son refused to even look at his father – the father finally caught the eyes of his son by simply sharing in session that he still has the explicitly vivid nightmares that used to haunt him in high school.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, his son blurted out that he has had some of those same dreams and was actually happy to hear that he could talk to somebody about it with – even though it happened to be the one person that he couldn’t stand to be in the same room with at the time.  

When parents humbly speak of times where they battled similar experiences as their children, I have seen lengthy attention spans like no other in my teenage clients.  This is particularly the case when parents relay a personal story that doesn’t come as too afterschool specialish – just raw and real.    

Believe it or not, middle schoolers and high schoolers for the most part are captivated by the experiences of their parents when they were their age, particularly if it’s an experience that happens to be directly impacting their life at the moment.  And with the proper timing, technique, and temperament – much like that running backs coach – you too can share a moment with your children that empower them and, in turn, betters the winning chances of your family 

Next week:  Practice Makes Perfect?

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MAMFT, LAPC   Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta

SEVEN-PART SERIES

Mutual Respect Wins Out

The days of berating players with over-the-top rants and raves are becoming less and less effective in the sports world while out-of-control disciplinary measures at home at times seem to be on the rise.                                                  

As a former sports writer, I have been a witness to more than a few parents publically going off on their child after a bad day on the field.  As a therapist now, I often see the same reactionary behavior from parents during session after courageous admissions from their child take the parent off guard.  

On one occasion, before even given the chance to deescalate the situation, I had a parent so beyond disbelief and so angry at her daughter’s disclosed sexual escapades, she made extremely hurtful remarks towards her daughter and nearly stormed out of the room.  Such heart piercing remarks toward an already fragile and wounded adolescent never seems to be of any assistance to anybody, but as a therapist you tend to see past the personal daggers and into the seed of the emotional tirade. 

Through that seed – the mother’s genuine concern for her daughter’s well being – I reframed the mother’s hurtful words to the daughter as someone who was so overly passionate and concerned about her jeopardous decisions and safety, that it unfortunately led to a flood of uncontrollable emotions and words. 

The daughter, who also proved to be unaware of the family dynamics, slowly responded by saying that she never thought her mom cared that much about her and her decisions.  It was there that the mother realized the seed of her daughter’s behavior – emotional neglect from her as well as the physical absence of her father unfortunately led to the daughter coping with sex, which temporarily filled both the physical and emotional needs she lacked at home.  

All in all, it turned out to be a healing session for both the mother and daughter. 

Sadly, I wrote all of this to make the point that parents, even more so than coaches, absolutely need to approach their child with a little more respect and a lot more tact.  There won’t always be a therapist there in the heat of an intense parent-child confrontation to soften crippling verbal blows that do more to hurt than help the situation.  

If anything, when a parent goes off on a child in a manner that’s eerily similar to a coach chucking his headset down the sidelines or blasting obscenities directly at someone, the child actually loses a bit of his own self-respect and, not to mention, respect for the conductor of the tirade as well. 

Effective parenting, just like good coaching, begins with demonstrating various forms of respect toward the child.  Any form of disrespect toward a child will always lead to that child having less respect for self.  And, if a child doesn’t respect self, it makes it really difficult for him or her to respect anyone else – parents in particular. 

Rick Johnson (2005) says it best in That’s My Son when he writes, “I believe you get respect by treating others with respect. Yes, there are many times when people behave in a manner not deserving of respect, but I think respect is a fundamental need for human beings. Once their need for it is met, it’s easier for them to offer it back.” 

And, the good thing for parents is giving respect doesn’t necessarily mean pandering to your child’s every impulse.  For instance, if a parent were to allow a child to nitpick, question, and test every parental decisions or maneuvers that would be just as detrimental in maintaining a respectful environment as treating that child in a disrespectful manner.  In The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works, John Rosemond (2009) argues that when parents actually explain to their children the reasons behind every decision made, these children gradually lose respect for their parents.  

In sports, it’s no different. 

Imagine if you could, just what might happen if a football coach, basketball coach, or even a baseball manager began feeling obligated to explain on-the-fly personnel moves or in-game strategic changes at the prompting of any player’s second guessing.  It wouldn’t be too long till every player ultimately loses respect for the coach who is actually acting beneath his authoritative position with his players by simply entertaining their every beck and call. 

Not surprisingly, a parent is also in an authoritative position, biblically and legally. 

And, parents are well within their rights to carry that authoritative role without displaying any disrespect or insensitivity toward their child.  In fact, you could even give the old “Because I said so” line in a respectful and kind manner.  It might, however, be more appealing and sink in better for a child to hear instead “Because I’m your parent – mom or dad – and I know what’s best for you” or “I understand that you’re upset, but my decision is final and – as my child – you have to accept that.” 

That way, not only are you relaying your authority toward your child but also your genuine concern for his or her well being. 

Because, when it comes down to it, that’s all parents really want – what’s best for their child.  We just need to find a better way of communicating that fact, and it’s my belief that it starts with a more respectful and tactful approach to parenting. 

Next week:

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MAMFT, LAPC, Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta

SEVEN-PART SERIES

Practice What You Preach

One of the most overstated phrases ever might just be “Do as I say and not as I do.” Although that statement makes more sense to me now, it didn’t make much sense to me growing up.  And, I learned a most valuable life lesson through one of my greatest shames. 

Before playing junior high and high school basketball, I was groomed in the Alpharetta Parks & Recreation leagues, playing point guard for whatever team my dad was coaching.  My dad, a very imposing figure at 6-4, 200-and-something pounds, always took every game seriously, and everyone on the court and in the stands knew it.  While opposing coaches wore the standard khakis and a collared shirt or a pair of jeans and shirt the color of the team uniform, my dad came to each Saturday morning game wearing nothing less than one of his finest suits, ties, and dress shoes. 

And, seeing that he played college ball and had been following basketball his whole life, he often did more than let his suit do the talking during games, especially toward the referees.  Interestingly, on top of coaching his heart out every week with our team, my dad made it a sport to hound the game officials with every bit of second-guessing, belittling, and downright insulting comments he could think of without getting hit with a technical foul.  Pretty much, his whole demeanor dared any referee to even think about tossing him from the game. And, for the most part, it worked to perfection. 

Not surprisingly – as the old saying goes “like father, like son” – it didn’t take much for me to start joining in on the referee-bashing charade too – with the only minor difference being in that I was a barely five-foot-tall, rail-thin, squeaky-voiced 10 year old that probably couldn’t scare much of anything at the time.  

I still remember clearly to this day my first technical and the unfortunate aftermath that resulted.  I never had much of a jump shot, so I was forced to do most of my damage on the court in the lane where little point guards often get treated like pinball machines by much bigger and taller players. 

On one particular morning, I took an awful beating while driving through the lane for a layup, missing badly with no foul called.  As everyone went back down the court, I passed by the unsuspecting official and squeaked out, “Hey, Mr. Ref… when you get home you should check your answering machine cause you’ve been missing calls all morning.” By the time the next ball was bounced, the appalled official screeched his whistle and motioned for a technical foul against me. Just as quickly, my dad – even though he was definitely out of an earshot of my comments made  – took me out of the game and let everyone in the whole gymnasium know the reasons behind the benching as he laid into me.  

You want to run your mouth, then sit on the bench. Thinking you can talk to the ref like that?!?  You play and I’ll do the talking!  And, I’m sure that somewhere in his berating was a “Do as I say and not as I do.”  

That’s the day I learned that I could not do what my dad does and get away with it.  I also learned, however, a little something about hypocrisy that day, which leads me to my next point.

In basketball, referees – even the ones that are in need desperate need of an eye exam – are the authorities on the court.  And, with this authority, coaches and players alike are supposed to abide by the calls and restrictions laid out by the officials. So without even knowing it, my dad through his actions with these referees was subtly teaching me to defy authority whenever I felt necessary, and that I could get away with it if I played it right. 

Granted, it’s a natural tendency for children to attempt to defy any brand of authority, but I sincerely believe that seeing it modeled by a parent or coach (in my case, both) did more to increase that impulse than to decrease it.  Unfortunately, I happened to carry that attitude even stronger in sports, at school, and at home throughout my childhood and into young adulthood. And, it got me into trouble growing up – a lot of it. 

Now, my dad and I – two people who have mellowed out a lot since then – laugh about the havoc he used to wreak on those recreation leagues, particularly the fact that they had to implement a “seatbelt rule” for all coaches to stop his constant bombardment of the referees. The seatbelt rule simply stated that if a coach ever got out of his seat during the game, it was an automatic technical. In fact to this day, we’ll still jokingly put the seatbelt rule on each other the few times we find ourselves in an impassioned discussion, usually debating some sports topic. 

But simply put, children really do model the behavior of their parents.  And, since nonverbal language speaks so much louder than anything verbal, parents and coaches alike have to be conscious of practicing what they preach. 

As an adult covering football, I’ve heard from high school players firsthand that the coaches who are seen helping to line the field before practice, or their car can be spotted in the school parking lot during weekend hours and occasional holiday vacations, end up earning certain players’ undying respect.  And, players will still call and visit these dedicated high school coaches years after they graduate, hinging on their every athletic, academic, or professional directive. 

As parents, the rules do not change, particularly in the case of the last post, “Finding Time for Family.” 

Children, at best, are only going to put in the same amount of time and energy into their family as they observe their parents doing.  That means parents should try not be too consumed with their professional careers or social lives and then expect their children not to be overindulged by their separate social lives at school, which every parent knows is a short road to a multitude of troubles. 

Parents dedicated to family and those who consistently practice what they preach fare much better in getting their children on board with the program, and in turn, help to develop a winning culture within the family that spreads everywhere else – football fields and basketball courts included.

Next week: Mutual Respect Wins Out

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MA MFT, LAPC, Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta

SEVEN-PART SERIES

Finding Time for Family

It is critically important for families to make it a top priority to spend time together doing the things you have always loved to do.  In football, a championship team always consists of players and coaches that have a genuine love for the sport – they wouldn’t voluntarily spend countless hours preparing each week if they didn’t enjoy it. 

Even off the field, winning teams usually frequent a favorite restaurant of theirs before or after each game, have their own school cafeteria table, and even spend summers together traveling to camps and enduring through two-a-days.  Spending quality time together boosts the morale of the team, just like it would boost the morale of any family.  Not spending time together, on the other hand, delivers the exact opposite effect and has made victims of football teams as well as families across the board.

In Falling for God, author Gary Moon illustrates this exact point in terms of something anyone can relate to – an innocent teenage crush.  Moon tells the story of one of his childhood friends that finally worked up the nerve to ask his obsession to go steady for the summer.  Fortunately, she said ‘yes.’ Unfortunately, the story only goes downhill from there for the teenage boy as he became so overwrought with anxiety about this new relationship, he felt his only option was to spend the least time as possible away from her, ignoring her, in order to keep the good vibes going.

Not surprisingly, his new girlfriend was not reciprocating those same good vibes.

It took only half the summer but he eventually sensed something was wrong with their relationship in his limited interaction with her.  So, he mustered up the courage to write her note asking if they were still an item to which she replied, “Not anymore, since we never actually went anywhere.”

Sadly, that summer flame quickly extinguished due to lack of time spent together. 

Not surprisingly, the same thing happens to even the most talented of football teams when they don’t make it a point to spend time together, and it’s a guarantee that the same thing happens to the most best equipped families.

This illustration only goes to show what the importance of time spent together plays in establishing and maintaining a winning culture in families. 

So, as a family, plan a fun weekly activity that would motivate each member to take a part in and consistently follow through with it on a monthly, if not weekly, basis.

The best way to create and consistently duplicate such an activity would be to establish a family ritual of some sort.  And, believe it or not, some families already have a type of ritual without even knowing it. 

We’ve all heard of families that drive down to Florida for spring break every year either enjoying all the amusement parks Disney has to offer or out sunbathing on the many Sunshine State beaches.  Other families make it a point to go down to Lenox every Fourth of July and Thanksgiving night for fireworks and the Christmas tree lighting.  I’ve even treated a family that annually trains for and participates in the Peachtree Road Race together, which they happily report injects life into the otherwise dull home environment.

Most families see these annual activities as the recharge they so desperately needed.  Unfortunately, they leave it there, only serving as a recharge when - in actuality - family activities could be used for so much more.

So, instead of once or twice a year family recharge, families might want to look into becoming more proactive and engage in a steady dose of family recess. 

Sometimes families forget to have fun with each other. And, just like with any sports team, if players and coaches are not having fun with one another, no one comes out a winner.

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MA MFT, LAPC, Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta