SEVEN-PART SERIES

Mutual Respect Wins Out

The days of berating players with over-the-top rants and raves are becoming less and less effective in the sports world while out-of-control disciplinary measures at home at times seem to be on the rise.                                                  

As a former sports writer, I have been a witness to more than a few parents publically going off on their child after a bad day on the field.  As a therapist now, I often see the same reactionary behavior from parents during session after courageous admissions from their child take the parent off guard.  

On one occasion, before even given the chance to deescalate the situation, I had a parent so beyond disbelief and so angry at her daughter’s disclosed sexual escapades, she made extremely hurtful remarks towards her daughter and nearly stormed out of the room.  Such heart piercing remarks toward an already fragile and wounded adolescent never seems to be of any assistance to anybody, but as a therapist you tend to see past the personal daggers and into the seed of the emotional tirade. 

Through that seed – the mother’s genuine concern for her daughter’s well being – I reframed the mother’s hurtful words to the daughter as someone who was so overly passionate and concerned about her jeopardous decisions and safety, that it unfortunately led to a flood of uncontrollable emotions and words. 

The daughter, who also proved to be unaware of the family dynamics, slowly responded by saying that she never thought her mom cared that much about her and her decisions.  It was there that the mother realized the seed of her daughter’s behavior – emotional neglect from her as well as the physical absence of her father unfortunately led to the daughter coping with sex, which temporarily filled both the physical and emotional needs she lacked at home.  

All in all, it turned out to be a healing session for both the mother and daughter. 

Sadly, I wrote all of this to make the point that parents, even more so than coaches, absolutely need to approach their child with a little more respect and a lot more tact.  There won’t always be a therapist there in the heat of an intense parent-child confrontation to soften crippling verbal blows that do more to hurt than help the situation.  

If anything, when a parent goes off on a child in a manner that’s eerily similar to a coach chucking his headset down the sidelines or blasting obscenities directly at someone, the child actually loses a bit of his own self-respect and, not to mention, respect for the conductor of the tirade as well. 

Effective parenting, just like good coaching, begins with demonstrating various forms of respect toward the child.  Any form of disrespect toward a child will always lead to that child having less respect for self.  And, if a child doesn’t respect self, it makes it really difficult for him or her to respect anyone else – parents in particular. 

Rick Johnson (2005) says it best in That’s My Son when he writes, “I believe you get respect by treating others with respect. Yes, there are many times when people behave in a manner not deserving of respect, but I think respect is a fundamental need for human beings. Once their need for it is met, it’s easier for them to offer it back.” 

And, the good thing for parents is giving respect doesn’t necessarily mean pandering to your child’s every impulse.  For instance, if a parent were to allow a child to nitpick, question, and test every parental decisions or maneuvers that would be just as detrimental in maintaining a respectful environment as treating that child in a disrespectful manner.  In The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works, John Rosemond (2009) argues that when parents actually explain to their children the reasons behind every decision made, these children gradually lose respect for their parents.  

In sports, it’s no different. 

Imagine if you could, just what might happen if a football coach, basketball coach, or even a baseball manager began feeling obligated to explain on-the-fly personnel moves or in-game strategic changes at the prompting of any player’s second guessing.  It wouldn’t be too long till every player ultimately loses respect for the coach who is actually acting beneath his authoritative position with his players by simply entertaining their every beck and call. 

Not surprisingly, a parent is also in an authoritative position, biblically and legally. 

And, parents are well within their rights to carry that authoritative role without displaying any disrespect or insensitivity toward their child.  In fact, you could even give the old “Because I said so” line in a respectful and kind manner.  It might, however, be more appealing and sink in better for a child to hear instead “Because I’m your parent – mom or dad – and I know what’s best for you” or “I understand that you’re upset, but my decision is final and – as my child – you have to accept that.” 

That way, not only are you relaying your authority toward your child but also your genuine concern for his or her well being. 

Because, when it comes down to it, that’s all parents really want – what’s best for their child.  We just need to find a better way of communicating that fact, and it’s my belief that it starts with a more respectful and tactful approach to parenting. 

Next week:

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MAMFT, LAPC, Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta