SEVEN-PART SERIES

Teach Them While They’re Doing Good

Even now, many years later, I can still picture the shell-shocked face of a poor high school sophomore who just couldn’t get it right on the football field one particular night. Even through the oversized, dirt-stained facemask – from seemingly coming up empty on every tackle and sliding headfirst onto the wet field time after time – that face of dejection paired with the face of the enraged head coach still irks me to this day. 

I still think about that young man and wonder – if only that player could have experienced a coach that not only got in his face during the bad times, but also patted him on the back during the good times.  

Needless to say, that player never made it to the next level in his athletic career.  To be fair, it probably had more to do with lack of talent, than the lack of adequate coaching, but it was still a lesson learned in my book – particularly one related to modern-day parenting.  

Coaches make all the difference in football, particularly in the high school ranks.  How some of these top-notch coaches strategically motivate a pool of teenagers year after year is truly a fascinating spectacle.  Through covering high school football not too long ago, I began to realize even more so that this same fascinating spectacle occurred more so behind closed doors during the idle, low-key moments within afterschool practices as opposed to any given game.  

With 70-plus players on some high rosters, teams often split into sections during practice before or after running through their plays for the upcoming game.  Sections are divvied up based on positions for the most part, and each position has its own designated coach.  In my experiences – particularly with the winning football programs – this is where I often witnessed the softer underbelly side of high school football coaches. 

On one occasion during a pretty intense practice, I remember a lightening quick running back making everyone in his path look foolish with dazzling, nearly breathtaking moves.  The defense, apparently fed up with being a step too slow, began inching closer to putting the brakes on the speedy back and eventually had him surrounded near the sidelines on one play.  The back, however, gracefully stepped out of bounds to the disappointment of the defenders still 4, 5 yards away. 

With each position splitting into their respective spot on the field afterwards, I was close enough to the running backs coach to overhear him singing his praises to the talented back.  Then, that same coach discreetly pulled the back to the side and gave him a little more insight into his last run that had him slip out of bounds.  The coach calmly stated, “You found that hole and burst through it perfectly, but you failed to finish it the way you started it.  And, those 4, 5 yards you could have gained could end up costing us a game some day.  Believe me – ‘cause back when I was in school, I actually cost my team the game.  Not a good feeling, and I wouldn’t want that for anyone – especially you.” The coach then gave the back a loving slap on the helmet and sent him back into the huddle. 

A few weeks later during a pivotal region game, in a moment that was only shared by the two of them, that same back – with his team trailing on a critical second-down play late in the fourth quarter – bolted through the trenches and headed toward the sidelines with a trio of defenders closing in quickly.  Surprisingly, all three defenders gave up on the play with the assumption that their target would bow out of bounds.  As the defenders let up, the back not only gained an extra few yards, but he impressively tight roped down the sidelines for an additional 15 or so yards to the delight of his coach and the ruckus crowd, easily putting his team in field goal range with a minute to go in the contest. 

Immediately following the play, the unassuming running backs coach could only lift his fist up and approvingly nod toward his prized player while his back hustled back to the huddle, pounding his chest and pointing right back to his running backs coach.  

I honestly can’t remember whether the kicker came through on the field goal that night – a 30-something yard field goal is far from a given in high school football – but I still remember that moment between coach and player.  Moments like that, although special, need to be experienced by more than just athletes and coaches on a football field. 

Most every parent is aware of the parenting strategy of ‘catch them while they’re doing good’ and ‘positive attention,’ and probably have either heard or experienced the benefits of this approach. 

As kids get older, unfortunately, positive attention gets a little trickier.  Most teenagers get in their head that parents are “supposed to say” encouraging comments or “supposed to say” only good things in light of confusing or difficult circumstances.  

Fortunately, through my experiences as a family therapist, I get the most eye-raising responses from teenagers when they’re listening to their parents talk about an experience that they also went through at their same age.  For instance, while working with family that had a very rocky relationship between a father and his oldest son – to the extent where the son refused to even look at his father – the father finally caught the eyes of his son by simply sharing in session that he still has the explicitly vivid nightmares that used to haunt him in high school.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, his son blurted out that he has had some of those same dreams and was actually happy to hear that he could talk to somebody about it with – even though it happened to be the one person that he couldn’t stand to be in the same room with at the time.  

When parents humbly speak of times where they battled similar experiences as their children, I have seen lengthy attention spans like no other in my teenage clients.  This is particularly the case when parents relay a personal story that doesn’t come as too afterschool specialish – just raw and real.    

Believe it or not, middle schoolers and high schoolers for the most part are captivated by the experiences of their parents when they were their age, particularly if it’s an experience that happens to be directly impacting their life at the moment.  And with the proper timing, technique, and temperament – much like that running backs coach – you too can share a moment with your children that empower them and, in turn, betters the winning chances of your family 

Next week:  Practice Makes Perfect?

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MAMFT, LAPC   Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta