SEVEN-PART SERIES

Never Underestimate the Power of a Timeout

We’ve all heard that cooler heads always prevail.  Only problem is it’s not always easy to keep a cool head.  Lucky for sports teams and families alike, we all have timeouts at our disposal. 

In sports, the concept of a timeout is pretty well understood.  On the football field, whenever a team is in disarray, caught off guard, or something just doesn’t look right – an astute football coach won’t hesitate to signal for a timeout before potential disaster occurs.  That way, his players have a minute to rest, regroup, and review the initial game plan before heading back into action. 

In baseball, timeouts are even more intentional in its purpose.  On the diamond, all of the timeouts are done through the nauseating “meetings on the mound,” which usually occurs when a pitcher either can’t find the strike zone or isn’t missing too many bats.  The pitching coach, always methodical in his approach, usually strolls out to the mound and calmly addresses the pitcher and the infielders, sometimes even cracking a joke to ease the tension of the situation and calm the rattled pitcher’s nerves.  More often than not, the pitching coach leaves the mound with a more focused and upbeat pitcher on the rubber than the pitcher he did at the onset of the meeting. 

So, it’s no mystery why coaches these days get paid the top dollars for their ability to make the appropriate game time decisions such as knowing when and where to call a timeout. In fact, some might even argue that the art of knowing when and where to call a timeout is just as important to being an effective coach as motivating and relating to players. 

Unlike managing a sports team, managing a family can be a thankless job.  However, the rewards for managing a family go beyond any level of monetary compensation, especially when it’s effectively done.  And, if cooler heads do in fact prevail in nearly all situations – than implementing timeouts within families might just be an effective way of managing interactions before they also become disastrous. 

Usually whenever timeouts are thrown into the discourse of parents and their children, people think about an out-of-control pre-K or elementary-aged child being placed into a corner until enough time elapses for the child to recognize the consequences of his actions.  But, another underlying purpose of a timeout, even in this case, is to help de-escalate the emotions of the child as well as – and this is what some often fail to acknowledge – the emotions of the parent.  

The feeling of powerlessness and disappointment many parents feel when they observe their child behaving in a manner that is either out of the child’s character or out of the character of how they raised that child to behave can ironically put the character of that parent in question with how he or she chooses to react to the situation at hand.  Fortunately, putting that child in timeout not only calms the child down, but also calms the parent down, reducing the chances of either the parent or child doing something to make matters worse.  Due to this, timeouts continue to be the standard for parents and school teachers alike for intervening in undesired behavior.  

Unfortunately, when those pre-K and elementary-aged children grow up, their defiance doesn’t necessarily ease up.  And, when those terrible twos become terrible teens, they appear as if their better equipped to defy their parents’ authority with 100x the vocabulary the once had, an even stronger sense of entitlement, and a new theme of what they believe to be “fairness in the world.” And, there will be times when a timeout could be used as a tool even then, without necessarily physically putting your teenager into a corner like in the old days, but implementing a break in the discourse with the same premise of de-escalating both the parent and child’s emotions. 

In order for this to work, however, there is a six-step process that should be explained to and used by all family members – including children – who are old enough to understand the concept of a timeout.  

1. Simply identify the fact that you are feeling angry.  Physical warnings of feeling angry include an increased heartbeat, clenched fists or teeth, as well as heated sensations in the limb or face area. 
2. Admit to yourself and whoever you are interacting with that you’re feeling angry and would like to “take a break,” or “call a timeout.”  Also, calmly remind the person that the issue will be readdressed once you’ve had time to cool off.
3. Take the timeout.  Since the concept of the timeout has already been explained to everyone in the family, it should be respected by all family members. 
4. Leave the area for 30 minutes to an hour – no more and no less – and do something that typically relaxes you.  Try to think about something else outside of the stressful event you just encountered. (Much like the pitching coach who cracks a joke with his pitcher and infielders to take their minds off the on-field issues)
5. If your go-to relaxation measures aren’t working, use other relaxation techniques that have been empirically proven to help control stress and tension such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation.
6. After the 30 minutes to one hour is up, contact the family member or members and ask them if they’re ready to readdress the issue and begin talking again.

At first, calling a timeout might come off as awkward and contrived but – just like anything else – the more it’s done, the more natural it will come off to you and your family.

Written by: Jordan R. Yates, MAMFT, LAPC   Children, Adolescent and Family Therapist at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta