Adoptee Holiday Grief

Giving the Gift of Acknowledgement

The holiday season ushers in countless opportunities for reflection and remembrance. Many of us remember past holidays with loved ones that are now deceased, friends and family that have moved away, or treasured things that have been lost. While we can find joy in reflecting back, it is common to simultaneously experience feelings of grief and loss. Children are not excluded from experiencing these conflicting feelings during the holidays. Adopted youth in particular may experience amplified feelings of grief and loss surrounding the holidays. Therefore, the holidays provide adoptive parents with unique opportunities to care for their adopted children.

One way parents can care for their adopted youth during the holidays is through giving the gift of acknowledgement. Children may say they need the latest Lego kit or the newest I-Pod. However, what they really need may be something they don’t know how to verbalize. Giving the gift of a tradition or ritual that acknowledges an adoptee’s past can be priceless. This gift has the potential to both decrease adoptee distress as well as provide memorable moments for your entire family.

Before deciding to give your adoptee the gift of acknowledgement, it’s important to first understand how children experience loss. Childhood loss, in comparison to adult loss, occurs on a very fundamental level. Adult loss often involves the absence of someone or something where affection was present. Childhood loss, however, can involve loss of safety, comfort, or familiarity. Grief counselor Donna O’Toole, in her book Helping Children Grieve and Grow, describes six major categories of childhood loss: relationship loss, comfort loss, loss of familiarity, loss of self, loss of confidence, and loss of predictability. Many youth adopted in early childhood have experienced most of these losses.

Another loss experienced by adopted youth, especially those adopted as infants, is ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss can be defined as grief paired with confusion. Adoptee ambiguous losses are particularly challenging because they are unique to the adoptee life cycle and experiences. Many of their losses are not formally acknowledged by society through rituals or traditions (e.g. funeral ceremony, mourning period). The lack of acknowledgement by society makes it confusing for adoptees to recognize that they have experienced loss and to allow themselves to grieve. Common ambiguous losses for adoptees are having knowledge of birth family whereabouts but no relationships, and questioning what their life would have been like if they weren’t adopted.

It is clear that childhood and adoptee losses differ significantly from adult losses. Therefore, we can assume the manifestation of these losses also differs. It is important to refrain from expecting adoptees to express their loss as adults would express loss. Asking youth if they are experiencing feelings associated with loss can be very helpful. However, if adopted youth do not seem to be responding to direct conversation about feelings or loss, parents may want to watch for grief masks.

Grief masks are ways children indirectly express feelings of grief and loss. Grief masks commonly appear when children do not have the breadth of coping skills or developmental maturity necessary to directly address their grief. Since the majority of adoptees experience significant loss at an early age, it is likely that many young adoptees will be unable to directly express their loss. When this is the case, adoptee grief may manifest in the following grief masks: hyperactive behavior, unpredictable emotional upheaval, sudden changes in eating and appetites, physical pain (stomach aches, headaches), developmentally atypical separation anxiety, perfectionism, controlling tendencies, intense anger, guilt and self-consciousness, indecision, and increasing difficulty with routine loses (e.g. moving, end of the school year, death of a pet). Grief masks specific to the holiday season may include difficulty enjoying themselves, constantly trying to please parents or others, criticizing gifts or the gift givers, intense anxiety, daydreaming, withdrawal from activities, and minimizing the holiday and its importance or grandeur.

Consider giving your adoptee the gift of acknowledgement if grief masks are present in your adoptee’s day-to-day life or during the holiday season.  Parents taking the initiative to acknowledge grief send powerful messages to their adoptee. All family members can be involved in this process of acknowledging grief since experiences of grief and loss are not unique to adoptees. Through family modeling (demonstrating a behavior or expression), adoptees can begin to learn that everyone experiences loss, that it is okay to grieve, and that grief and loss are safe topics in the home.

Many parents hesitate to model grief out of fear that their child is not ready to address loss, specifically the loss of birth family relationships. In the same way that children show indirect signs of grief through grief masks, they show indirect signs of discomfort. Consider ways your adoptee generally shows discomfort in everyday situations. Be a keen observer of your child. A child psychiatrist, Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, captures the benefits of observation well. “Their body language will tell you if they can handle any more. If they nod silently and make eye contact, you might continue. If they turn away, whimper or become agitated, that’s all they can take right now. If you respect their pace, they’ll let you know when they’re ready for more. Slowly, patiently putting words to the experience organizes it, and makes it less scary than when it is shrouded in silence, or when there are no words for the feelings.” Keen parental observation prior to broaching the topic of grief and loss or initiating a new ritual can help you gauge your child’s readiness, know when to pursue the topic, and when to revisit it at a later time.

Observation is integral for effectively giving the gift of acknowledgment. However, acknowledging your adoptee’s loss should not be attempted without extensive thoughtfulness. Apply the same thoughtfulness you use when purchasing them a gift. Take time to think about your child’s age and stage, interests, and comfort zones when considering avenues for acknowledging their loss. Thorough thoughtfulness will communicate love and connection to your adoptee as well as will increase the chances that your adoptee will respond positively to your gift of acknowledgement.

Below are a few specific ways you can give your adoptee the gift of acknowledgement this holiday season.

• Create a loss box or a grief box with your adoptee. Every holiday add something to the box that reminds your adoptee of a particular loss or losses.
• Make a family tree that includes birth family (potentially add previous caregivers such as foster parents or orphanage workers, foster siblings, or best friends far away).  Hang the family tree up year round or just during the holidays. Start a tradition where each family member says something about one member on the family tree.
• Include losses of your adoptee in holiday celebrations (bring out framed pictures, drawings, etc.). Involve the other family members by including their losses (remembrances of deceased family members, pets, previous homes).  
• Have family members write letters to people or things they miss. Share them with each other or make a family mailbox where everyone can put their letters each holiday.  
• Create a chronological book made up of letters or pictures your adoptee makes for their birth family each holiday. This becomes extra special if your adoptee reunites with their birth family at an older age and has a book of special occasions to share with them.  
• Share a story or a comment about someone/something each family member misses or wishes could be a part of the holiday celebration.  
• Light a candle or candles every holiday to represent different losses of your adoptee. Extend to other family members to model the diverse forms of losses that exist. 
• Recreate how the holidays are celebrated by allowing each family member to chip in an idea, tradition, activity, etc. Anonymity with each idea may help your adoptee feel comfortable to participate.

Written by Rachel Fishman, MA, LAPC, NCC

Contact Rachel at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it